


Like a Bad Joke

by Element_of_Fabulosity



Category: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Genre: Crack, Gen, HHB just doing stupid shit and messing with each other, Hak is convinced the gods have it in for him, Humor, Not Serious, Snipe hunt (not focus), Zeno trolls everyone, probable OOC-ness for sake of humor, which would explain so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 08:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18279830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Element_of_Fabulosity/pseuds/Element_of_Fabulosity
Summary: Hak walks in on Kija and Jae-ha. No, not like that.Or, the one where the Dragon Warriors are more like snakes than they’ll ever admit. Crack, probable OOC-ness, gen. T for language and mild sexual references.





	Like a Bad Joke

The first time it happened, Yun was the first to ask about Kija’s absence. Hak responded with a shrug and idly wondered if he should have followed him after all. The White Snake seemed to have his heart in the right place, so Hak figured he could trust him. He was making an effort to, anyway. He only hoped that he wouldn’t live to regret it.

Kija came back an hour or so later, slightly out of breath and vague about where he had wandered off to. “Just...taking a walk,” he said.

Hak snorted. Moron couldn’t even lie convincingly.

 

* * *

 

 

The second time, they were camping somewhere in the Earth Tribe’s vast forests. Hak woke at a slight noise. He lay very still, awake all at once, before letting himself relax. Just Kija, tiptoeing past him. He closed his eyes again, sinking back into sleep’s sweet, sweet embrace.

Damn White Snake wouldn’t stop muttering.

Hak’s eyelids lifted again. He scowled. He couldn’t _quite_ make out what Kija was saying, complete with hand-wringing gestures, to their little group’s newest member. Whatever it was, Shin-ah’s mask shifted as he bobbed his head up and down. The Dragon Warriors’ forms illuminated by moonlight, there was no mistaking what happened: Shin-ah drew his sword and held it out to Kija. Kija hesitated, then took it. He gave a quick glance around, then walked into the forest.

White Snake didn’t fight with a sword. Hak had offered to teach him and been turned down, back when he first started traveling with them. It was _barbaric,_ apparently. So what on earth did he want Shin-ah’s for?

“Hey.”

Shin-ah jumped about a foot at Hak’s grunt, even though Hak hadn’t even gotten up. He looked like a startled rabbit. A very large, fluffy rabbit with a kickass mask.

“Where’d White Snake go?” Hak asked.

Shin-ah stared at Hak for a second. Two, three. Hak cleared his throat. Never mind a rabbit; Shin-ah was a hawk. No, not even that. Hawks weren’t fucking creepy like Shin-ah. But he couldn’t say _that_ aloud. Picking on Shin-ah wasn’t like picking on Kija; it was the same as picking on Tae-woo versus picking on Tae-yeon. One of them was hilarious. One of them was just mean.

“Who?” Shin-ah asked.

“ _Kija_ ,” Hak said with every bit of patience he could summon. “Where did he go?”

Shin-ah looked back at the forest. Back at Hak. “He’s…”

Hak waited.

“...not a snake.” Shin-ah’s head tilted to the side. The squirrel was on top of the fluff, staring at him too.

If it were anyone else, Hak would have called them a smartass. Shin-ah was possibly the only person he knew who would say something like that in complete seriousness. An inexplicable rage erupted in Hak. Or it would have, if he wasn’t at that moment too damn tired. As it was, an inexplicable mild irritation sort of puffed up in him. At Shin-ah’s sheltered childhood. At those damn villagers who made sure to isolate him and steal any chance at having a sense of humor. “I know he’s not a real snake,” Hak said. “It’s a nickname. Teasing. I’m not serious.”

Gods, he hoped nobody heard him. Especially White Snake himself. He had an image to maintain.

The squirrel scampered down to Shin-ah’s hands. “He...said…not to say.”

Big surprise there; you didn’t sneak off in the middle of the night because you wanted people to know what you were up to. Hak tucked his hands into his sleeves. He could follow Kija. Or...or he could just go back to sleep. As stupidly serious and naive as White Snake was, he was reliable.

“Probably jerking off,” Hak muttered. What White Snake needed a sword for, he didn’t know or care. No accounting for taste. The blanket was warm and he was tired; he was going to damn well sleep.

“What’s…”

Hak opened his eyes again, automatically scanning the camp for threats. It was exactly the same as it had been a second ago. Shin-ah scratched the squirrel’s ear. His mouth hung open, like he was working out the words in the way he did. It was sad if you thought about it too long.

“What’s jerking off?”

_...fuck._

 

* * *

 

 

The third time it happened, the Happy Hungry Bunch had grown to seven and they were traveling through the Water Tribe’s forests. As it turned out, the locals in the last village hadn’t been exaggerating when they said _sunny one minute, storming the next._ And because there were no convenient caves, that left all seven of them stuffed into a tent made for three people at maximum. The other tent...well...there had been an Incident. A bear had been involved. Again.

Hak just thanked his lucky stars that Yona hadn’t been there, because she would have tried to fight the bear too.

...actually, he probably would have too. Fighting a bear sounded fun.

Fifteen perverted comments, seven death threats, two annoying-as-all-hell songs, one scarily intense yodeling competition and one horrified realization that hell isn’t other people, it’s other people _bored as fuck_ later, the downpour finally, _finally_ eased off.

Everyone bolted outside, shoving and squirming past each other. Yun emerged last because he had the good sense not to get trampled. “Jae-ha,” he said in a tone that meant _you better listen to me_. Hak had internally dubbed it the Mom Voice.

Droopy Eyes stood at attention, apparently smart enough to not look too guilty. Moms were like predators that way; they sensed fear. That Yun was a fifteen year old boy in no way affected his Mom-ness and everyone knew it.

Instead of berating Jae-ha for causing another Incident, Yun held out their money pouch. “Jump back to the village we passed through and buy two spools of thread and one skein of rope.” He held his fingers close together. “This thick. Hak-”

“I didn’t do it.”

“You’re in charge of making dinn- wait, what? _”_

“What?”

Jae-ha cackled and launched into the air. Yun glared at Hak for a fraction of a second and apparently decided that whatever _it_ was that Hak didn’t do, if it was important he would find out. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “The firewood should be enough to boil stew.”

Hak silently thanked the gods that Yun was a genius. He’d had the foresight to gather up some wood and pack it with their supplies exactly for situations like this. Right then, it was worth the random twigs he kept finding in his clothes and bedroll.

“Shin-ah, Yona, you two get food.”

Yona nodded eagerly. “I’ll catch a bear,” she chirped at the same time Yun ordered _“no bears.”_

Yona did _the thing_ with her eyes. It was the same thing Tae-yeon used to do when Hak had to babysit him and he wouldn’t get down Gramps’ secret stash of candy. Hak wondered if adorable people got lessons.

That....would explain so much.

Yun was apparently immune, because he got up in Yona’s face. “No. Bears,” he repeated. “Yes, I’m sure you could bring one down, but even if you did, what are we going to do with it all? We don’t exactly have the time and resources to preserve all that leftover meat-”

Hak wondered if Yun had somehow missed the fact that their group was comprised of five teenagers and two overgrown teenagers who liked to think they were adults. _What_ leftover meat?

Yona wilted. “Fine. We’ll get a fox or something. Let’s go, Shin-ah.”

They left, Yona muttering _someday_ and Shin-ah patting her consolingly on the shoulder.

“Kija, Zeno, you two look for firewood,” Yun ordered.

Zeno blinked at him. “Lad, it just rained. All the wood is wet. And we have some already.”

“You need something to keep you out of trouble.”

“And...me?” Kija asked. It was obvious what he was really asking: surely, _he_ wasn’t that troublesome too?

Yun didn’t look up from the bag he was looking through. He pulled out an empty waterskin and lobbed it at Hak. “You keep an eye on Zeno. Try to keep him out of trouble.”

“Zeno thinks it’s redundant,” Zeno volunteered.

“It really isn’t.”

Judging by their sour expressions, neither Kija nor Zeno were thrilled with this. Neither of them wanted to argue with Yun either. Zeno tapped his chin in a show of thought. “Has Hakuryuu ever hunted snipe?”

“Snipe?” Kija repeated.

“It’s an old, old tradition,” Zeno explained with the air of a wise old sage.

Hak doubled over cackling as soon as they were out of earshot. Yun shook his head. He’d developed an eye twitch that didn’t look healthy. “Ten year olds,” he muttered. “No. Worse. Eight year olds. I’m surrounded by a bunch of eight year olds.”

Hak took the iron pot to a brook and filled both it and their waterskins. Droopy Eyes came back with the supplies and Yun started repairing the tent. Zeno and Kija came back, predictably snipeless. Somehow, they managed to pass the night without much trouble.

Jae-ha wrangled the other Dragons into a card game, only to discover that Shin-ah could and did see right through the cards and read the numbers. Hak grinned and stifled his laughter as Jae-ha and Zeno tried to figure out how to tell their shrinking violet brother to please go away and let them have a fair game in as nice a way as possible. Eventually, after much eye rolling, Yun took pity on the idiots and asked Shin-ah if he could come help him sew the tent panel.

Jae-ha then proceeded to attempt to hustle Zeno with different card game. He asked Kija to team up with him against Zeno. Offended by the blatant backstabbing -and probably still irritated by the snipe hunt-  Kija left. Hak thought he didn’t understand the point of the game. Backstabbing your friends was half the fun. Jae-ha left too, but not before Zeno somehow convinced him to wager a few coins. To make things _interesting_.

Zeno had won the next eight hands.

All of this led to the situation Hak was in now: finding Droopy Eyes and White Snake to inform them that dinner -his own extra-spicy fox stew, which was delicious no matter how much the Princess had shrieked for water upon tasting it- was ready. Hak would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted by the possibility of letting the two miss dinner and eating their portions, but...well, he was mean, but even he had standards.

So Hak wandered into the forest, walking along a convenient path. As he walked, a thought occurred that caused dread to pool in the pit of his stomach.

A few nights ago, Hak had had the misfortune of overhearing a conversation between them.

_“You do it too?”_

Droopy Eyes had sounded more shocked than Hak had ever heard.

_“I- uh...it’s perfectly natural...accept that it’s part of…”_

Hak had _heard_ the expression Jae-ha had made, despite the darkness of the forest. That smug, condescending _I’m gonna humor you because you’re so naive it’s adorable_ look. His next sentence possibly scarred Hak forever.

_“If you help me, I’ll help you. Nobody else needs to know.”_

...perverts. He was living with not one, but two perverts, Hak had realized with no small amount of horror. Well, they could have their rendezvous. As long as they weren’t waking him up with... _noises_.

That thought still made Hak throw up a little bit in his mouth.

_Oh, gods,_ Hak thought as a second horrific notion occurred: that was the best-case scenario. With his luck, someone _else_ would notice. Like Shin-ah. Hak didn’t need that kind of awkwardness. Although...it would be pretty funny to watch Droopy Eyes try to explain _that_ to Shin-ah. On the other hand, he might try to corrupt their resident cinnamon roll.

Hak silently offered up a plea that he wouldn’t walk in on them.

In retrospect, Hak would come to the conclusion that the gods had it in for him. Which...would actually explain a lot of his life up until that point. The reason: not two minutes later, he turned a corner into a sparse clearing and _stopped._

There were Droopy Eyes and White Snake. Startled, and thankfully clothed. Except for Jae-ha’s feet; his shoes had vanished somewhere, leaving bright green scales on full display. Both of them staring back like startled deer, clearly in the middle of...something. Hak really didn’t want to know what. It was probably perverted.

Hak stared. His internal stream of consciousness had been replaced by a single word: _fuuu-_

Jae-ha and Kija stared back.

Kija was the first to break the silence.

_“This isn’t what it looks like!”_

“I don’t want to know!” Hak shouted, whirling. He bolted.

Kija bolted after him. “I’m telling you-”

“LA LA LA,” Hak roared, hands clamped over his ears. “Whatever perverted dragony thing you have going on-”

“I AM NOT PERVERTED-!”

“Unfortunately,” Jae-ha mumbled. Nobody heard. He rushed to wrap up his leg again, stuffing his feet into his boots. Then he jumped after the idiots. He caught up with them just in time to see Kija bring his expanded dragon hand down on Hak like he was swatting an overgrown mosquito.

The noise Hak made could be described as the midpoint between _unholy wrath of a thousand scorching suns_ and _undignified, fluffy rodent_. He wriggled, to no avail.

“We were- I-” It seemed to cause Kija physical pain to speak each word. His face made contortions that Hak would have found hilarious under any other circumstance. “I’m molting, okay?!”

“I don’t care what kinky shit you’re into, _keep it the hell away from me!_ ”

Jae-ha felt the last of his patience snap. “Molting! Shedding his skin! Like a snake! Dragon limbs do that, _gods know why_ , and it’s ugly and itches like hell and a huge nuisance!”

Hak froze. He craned to gape at Kija, now beet-red. For the first time he noticed the shreds of grayed scales hanging off his arm like old, sunburnt skin. “Gods, you really _are_ a white snake.”

_“DON’T CALL ME THAT!”_

Neither of them noticed that Jae-ha hadn’t stopped ranting. “You can’t scratch itchy scales like skin, they’re too damn hard! You have to use a knife, or a sword, or a sharp rock if you’re desperate, but they dull after barely scratching for two seconds! Dragon claws are the only way to actually scratch itchy scales!”

Hak blinked. “So...when you said you’d scratch his itch and he’d scratch yours, you meant it literally.”

Jae-ha glared down at him.

“You were eavesdropping?” Kija spluttered.

“It was the middle of the fucking night, you two woke me up by getting up first! Learn to be fucking quiet! Then I had to piss because I was awake, so of course I got up! I wasn’t trying to follow-”

It was at that moment a twig snapped more decisively than any piece of wood had a right to. Yun stepped into the clearing to find...well, he didn’t know what it was.

The words _this isn’t what it looks like_ are surprisingly dangerous ones. This phrase is loaded chock-full of sexual connotations. In the unlikely event that one is doing something that results in strange contortions not unlike playing drunk twister and/or unusual sex positions and someone comes along and witnesses aforementioned disaster with zero context, the phrase _this isn’t what it looks like_ catapults the outsider’s mind straight into the exact territory one is trying to keep them from.

Kija had missed this memo. “This isn’t what it looks like!” he shouted for the second time that evening.

Hak and Jae-ha, who had _not_ missed this memo, who had, in fact, sent out the figurative memo in triplicate, facepalmed.

Yun sighed- the Mom Sigh, shorthand everywhere for _how the hell is this my life_. “I’m too fucking sober for this bullshit.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I've had for a while, and this fic was written with the goal of being as stupid and hilarious as possible. Hope y'all got some laughs out of this.


End file.
